Varyn
http://havokrpg-sandbox.wikidot.com/geodogsix
This draft is incomplete looking for input and critiques.
Varyn
Forum
» Drafts / Drafts/Critiques
» Varyn
I will do a full critique later today1 when I have more time, but I wanted to point out some quick things I noticed on my cursory read:
However, during one such bout between two new younglings, one had lost control of his anger and had gone to that of a wild beast — he had gone into Y'ktra.
As pointed out in my critique of Kuznets, that's not how the Y'ktra works. Perhaps breaking this down into more of a corruption of the youngling's soul or even the youngling was overtaken by Zanward's Rage2. You described the child as a "youngling," which makes the child anywhere between toddler and pre-pubescent in age. Given the impulsivity of children, I don't think knowledge of the command word would be granted to anyone below a certain age and level of mastery over the craft. However, it may have seemed like the youngling merely lost control of his rage which would add to the illusion that Y'ktra is tied to emotional state.
Two holy symbols that he keeps in a small golden box.
So, not the one he keeps pressed against his arm? I'd give a bit of an explanation as to where the holy symbols come from as well as a brief description of the holy symbols themselves. Presumably, they look similar, but materials are often key in creating holy symbols for certain uses. For example, one player in my Sunday game is a Paladin of Tyr, the God of Justice in the Forgotten Realms setting. He carries at least four copies of the holy symbol on his person at all times: high-polish steel, black hematite, cinnabarite, and one made from the tooth of a Black Dragon. They each serve a specific function to certain prayers and spells.
As I said, however, I've merely skimmed your draft for now. More later.
"And nothing of value was lost."
— Dr. Jack Bright.
Apologies for the lateness of this critique.
Right off the bat, I'll say that there is quite a bit of potential here. Aside from the above-mentioned pieces from merely skimming the article, there are a few things that could use some work. I'll first knock on the grammar a bit. Then I'll move on to content. Finally, I'll follow up with some miscellaneous stuff.
Grammar
After nine years of this life gaining the knowledge of how hard life can be…
I would make a minor cut here to make the sentence flow a tad better. Either "of this life" or "gaining the knowledge of how hard life can be" can be safely cut, and both would be equally as effective.
…young Varin decide to intervene…
*decided
…thus must wear the holy symbol tightly pressed to it.
The way this sentence ends feels a bit like stopping from a run, barefoot, in gravel. I'd suggest something along the lines of, "thus must keep the holy symbol pressed tightly against it." At least give the reader a little cushion to stop on.
While he was granted an arm my the mercy of Lady Yllanda…
*by
"Damn Human wizards!"
*Damned
While Varin is still young he knows that he…
"While Varin is still young, he knows that he…"
…anti social…
It's actually one word.
Overall, the grammar is quite good. There are a few points here and there which interrupt the fluidity of the read, but not so much as to make it unpleasant.
Content
"Why fear the beauty of death? It is the beauty that can only truly be experienced once."
Firstly, this should be italicized as it is a quote. Secondly, I can hear the smartass choir chanting from above, "What about resurrections and the undead?" Would I change it? No. However, I just wanted to point that out.
…a family of Yllanda worshipers.
Crazy cultists? Kidding.
His father is a priest, and his mother — a cleric.
Good delineation between the two jobs. Most people don't realize that not all priests are clerics.
…his grandfather's temple…
I would give a name to the temple itself. It doesn't particularly need to be named after Varin's grandfather, but name it something that makes sense to the Temple of Yllanda. Maybe something like Dark Life Temple or Temple of the Lonely Butterfly. Much like how many modern Catholic Churches are named after something important to their religion. It would read something like, "…the Temple of the Lonely Butterfly where his grandfather is/was the High Priest."
As long as there's no blind guys in white robes chasing around giant moths, we're good.
Nearing the end of his training…
It's not just his training this is a part of. Also, it may be more conducive to such an environment if the training bouts were performed all throughout any youngling's training.
Though injured and disabled, a cleric of Yllanda took pity on him and offered him to Yllanda. To the surprise of the cleric, he was accepted as a cleric of Yllanda. This granted him a new charcoal black arm bound to his faith in Lady Yllanda. He must keep the bond between Yllanda and his arm tight, and thus must wear the holy symbol tightly pressed to it.
Right, so here's a bit of fat to chew, and I'll be as clear as possible. I've witnessed forceful amputation1. It's not a pretty sight, and is highly traumatic to the injured. The survival rate in modern times is slim due to the severance of so many nerves, veins, and arteries. In medieval times (even if factoring in magick), such an injury would be an instant death warrant. It's more likely that the cleric of Yllanda was going to offer the corpse in sacrifice.
There's also a clarity issue here in the "To the surprise of the cleric2" piece. How I would word it is, "To the surprise of the cleric, Varin did not die but was granted a new limb and a second chance." This also changes the context of the previous sentence from, "injured and disabled" to "bleeding to death with no sign of recovery." Remember, while something may be clearly worded to you, it may come off as vague and confusing or even misleading to the reader.
I wonder if the arm still has that New Arm Smell…
The final sentence here may use a little change as well. I'd suggest something that explicitly states the feared consequence of severing or weakening the bond between Varin and Yllanda. "To prevent divine punishment through the loss of his arm, he must securely maintain the physical bond between himself and Yllanda by using the arm as a link, and thus must…"
After a few months of being lost in thought
A better word would be "meditation." "Thought" just makes it sound like he was blindly derping around his village. "Meditation" implies that he was lost in deep search within himself to find where he belongs in life.
Varyn's personality is that of someone who had a somewhat sheltered life. As well as having a rather blunt way of dealing with things.
You ended up with a sentence fragment here. The two sentences could be safely combined without changing the context of the sentences themselves.
Favored Enemy
Undead
Why? No, really, I think an explanation would do well here to boost the story.
While Varyn isn't really known for having allies, he has the ability granted to him by Yllanda to summon a small fox made of fire that seems to have its own personality, and though it can normally be seen when Varyn is around fire, it is an elemental created by Yllanda to keep Varyn calm and focused on his task.
Two things.
- I think this may be changed to acknowledge the current party.
- So, Yllanda gave this dude a fiery fidget spinner?
Overall, the content is alright. Give it a bit of work, and you'll have something great.
Miscellaneous
Fill in the blank spots. The StatBlock has a bit of Template showing, as do the Adventuring and Favored Weapon sections.
Lists, such as the one you put under "Equipment" should be on bullet point lists.
- Like
- This
In conclusion, this is a decent article that needs a just a bit of work. If you can fix the issues, you'll have a fine article to post up.
EDIT: Corrected a minor typo. Getting used to a new keyboard.
"And nothing of value was lost."
— Dr. Jack Bright.
Okay thank you very much grey. I'll get to work on implementing your critiques when I can. To be honest I agree completely on all of these critiques so thanks for the help.
Sounds good. Let me know via PM when you're ready for secondary crit.
"And nothing of value was lost."
— Dr. Jack Bright.
As this is an active character, I am bumping this one time so it doesn't start to rot.
/forum/t-2313711/varyn#post-
